Perspective

I am war with myself today.  I am so sad and want so much to pray for the families affected on Friday but I can't.  I can't think too long about the situation, I can't watch the news or read news media, and I haven't looked at social media since Friday.  It is too raw, too close to home given the ages of the victims.  Every time I see a picture or hear a new version of the story, I can't help but think that could be Cate.   I started crying at work this morning because I saw a picture of the sweet blond 6 year old who's father, I'm told, has actually spoken to the press quite eloquently.  I didn't even read an article or hear a news report of the speech, I just saw that one picture on a blog and lost it for a while. That could have been Cate's classroom, those kids were exactly her age and I can't keep my mind from selfishly circling back to that thought.  I don't know how to pray for those families who so need peace and comfort because I feel so sure there is nothing that will help them right now.  I feel that way because I know I would be unable to function even on the most basic level if I lost Cate or Lucy in that way.  I know my support system would get to me eventually and maybe even faith would return some day but it would not have happened yet I'm sure, I'm just not that strong.  There are 20+ families who will never be the same, ever.  Their day to day lives will never be complete and every Christmas light will be a painful reminder for years to come.  I am at war with myself because as much as I know nothing good will every come from this for those families - I think good is coming of it for me.  Even though I'm always grateful every day for Cate and Lucy, I am still aggravated by petty things and stressed over what now seem like unimportant details.  Friday morning I was allowing myself to be overwhelmed by Christmas shopping, cleaning up toys and paperwork, making lunches, doing homework, and sibling fighting.  Today I am able to look at it as a blip in the blessed life that surrounds my home right now.  Those families would give absolutely anything to see siblings squabbling or to be helping with homework right now and I will be trying my best not to forget that when I'm on the brink of yelling or complaining.  I know it will be a long time before I forget the almost undeniable need to pick Cate up from school on Friday and the relief that was in that stolen hug while others waited for the same thing in the car pool.  I know this war within myself will start to fade as the media lets go and those around me stop talking about the tragedy.  But I hope I can hold on to the grateful feeling and better perspective I have today for being alive and having my family close, for a long time to come.